We won't sleep together?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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