after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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