how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
And then he peed in my hair
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