I checked into jail on foursquare
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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