alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
