just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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