I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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