so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
