if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
