My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
