I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
