Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
