all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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