Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
