Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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