Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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