What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
