i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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