wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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