I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Someone shit on the floor
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
