I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
