Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
