Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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