when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I puked a lego.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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