Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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