yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
