Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wish there were birth control emojis
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
