I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
