Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
