he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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