I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
