my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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