I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
