just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
