i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
