I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
