I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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