M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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