So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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