please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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