did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
