So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
