If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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