I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
