so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
