I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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