my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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