When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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