This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
