I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
